Everything’s fine now, I am fine now - both me and baby are. I can talk about it more openly now too, although I sometimes resort to a few tears when I recall what we went through. It wasn’t easy, but the hand of the Lord delivered us from the worse when I had open surgery more than two months ago and the 10cm cyst was found to be benign. I was 13 weeks pregnant then.

Needless to say, this wasn’t exactly how I thought my second pregnancy would go. 

Oh, I had grand plans. When February 5 came and my period still hadn’t arrived, I began to suspect that maybe, maybe I’ve conceived. By Feb 7 I was three days late, and just like on my first pregnancy, my soul woke me up early and I tested myself. And there it was - two lines though one was faint. I forwarded it to my OB and she immediately congratulated me and I had myself scheduled for an ultrasound the following day.

It was such beautiful timing! Feb 8 was Joey’s 39th birthday and our second child’s first sonogram would be the most perfect gift for him! I imagined him exclaiming in joyful delight as he opened the nondescript plain brown box I would put the sonogram in. It panned out so wonderfully in my mind.

So there I was in the hospital eagerly waiting for my turn. The last time I saw my OB was March last year just before the community quarantine started, and I didn’t think to have myself checked again since it was pandemic and I didn’t really want to unnecessarily expose myself to possible germs and viruses.

But I was pregnant. I had to see my OB even if I was only around four weeks along. I had to confirm it through ultrasound, get that sonogram and present it to my husband that same day.

It’s always nice to see Dra. Eileen Manalo. She’s always so pretty and well-dressed and I oftentimes feel like a schoolgirl who basks in her praise after every checkup, relishing her “baby’s doing well”, silently capitulating whenever she says “take it easy”, dreading her “I’ll see you next week” because that means things are not optimal and I needed to be checked often. 

So when I had the trans-vaginal ultrasound and I felt her happiness at my pregnancy turn into slight puzzlement and concern, my excited bubble burst. She said that alongside the fertilised ovum there was a huge ovarian cyst that wasn’t there before. She checked this way and that, measured both the embryo and the cyst. She went through my files and medical history to check if I had cysts before. We recalled that in 2017 I underwent laparoscopy under her and she took out a paratubal cyst then and some polyps. 

But I’ve never had a cyst, ovarian or paratubal, of this size before. It made me wonder how something so big (measuring 4 inches at that time) could have formed so fast, when ten months prior my ovaries were okay. Yes, they were polycystic, but they were otherwise okay.

I then remembered that about a few days back I felt pain during intercourse - pain that I didn’t ever feel before in our six years of marriage. I told myself then that I had to see my OB soon to get checked, just to be sure that everything was okay. In the excitement of discovering I was pregnant, I forgot all about it - until then. When I mentioned this, Dra. Manalo said that “baka tinamaan yung cyst” that’s why I felt pain.

I was prescribed the usual pre-natal vitamins, aspirin and heparin for my Category 2 APAS, and duphaston as I had subchorionic hemorrhage. She advised me to take it easy and to not think too much about the ovarian cyst. She will monitor it as my pregnancy advances, and then we will decide what to do.

I left the clinic with emotions roiling inside me, spirit deflated because things didn’t turn out the way I imagined them to be. It was the first lesson God taught me through this experience - that He, not I, is STILL the Lord and Master of my life. That no matter how carefully/healthily I may live, no matter how enthusiastically I may plan things, His Will would always prevail.

And this was His Will for me on my second pregnancy: to nurture a life alongside an abnormal growth. 

I put our baby’s first sonogram (that also showed various angles of my cyst) in a recycled plain brown box and went home. “Happy birthday, Bubs.” I managed a small smile as I handed my gift over to Joey. My husband shouted in incredulous joy. “YES!!! YES!!!”, fists pumping in the air, hugging me and Lilibubs: “May bagong baby na tayo!! Magiging manang (Ate in Ilonggo) ka na!!” <3

Seeing his happiness, my own fraught emotions spilled over. Crying, I said, “Pero may nakitang cyst si Dra, Bubs. Malaki.”

He asked me what that meant and I said that I didn’t really know, that Dra would be monitoring it for now. The news hardly put a dent on his joy (how differently we received it, or maybe my preggy hormones were to blame?), and he proceeded to announce the wonderful news to our family. I smiled through my tears as I watched him, sharing in his unabated joy. Surely, everything will be alright and this huge cyst would not be a cause for concern at all.

…..

I googled “ovarian cysts while pregnant”, searched through forums, even consulted with a fellow APAS mom who had a 10cm cyst too. General consensus was that most ovarian cysts are harmless enough that they can be left alone and taken out during delivery but that the pregnancy could be a hard one physically. Because of the cyst’s size, extra precautions would have to be made: no long walks, no exercise, no lifting of any weight including carrying Lilibubs - sacrifices to add to the twice-a-day heparin injections and that I really felt sad about because it would mean less time spent with and caring for Lilibubs.

Nonetheless, I was of course, prepared to do what was needed. Anything to keep baby safe and to hopefully reach full-term.

…..

Two weeks passed and it was time for another checkup. Joey drove me to the hospital this time. He was caught in a phone meeting and wasn’t able accompany me inside the hospital, but it wasn’t a big deal since he wouldn’t be allowed inside Dra. Manalo’s clinic anyway - hospital rules.

But for a day like that day, how I wish he was with me, how I wish I got to hold his hand while I lay in the bed and Dra did a transvi. His hand would have warmed mine, his presence would have steadied my hormotional nerves. Hearing what Dra said probably would not have felt THAT bad, that momentous.

For as Dra checked the embryo, then the cyst, I could sense her worry. She said the cyst didn’t look like a normal, harmless one, that there appeared to be “papillary projections” and “solid parts”. She said there’s a chance it could be early stage cancer.. that if it was, we are lucky to catch it early. She said a lot of other things that my preggy head could neither absorb nor retain because that wretched C word just eclipsed everything else. Everything just felt unreal.

At the end of that sixth week AOG checkup, she knocked on her table thrice and asked me to take it easy.

I walked away from her clinic numb and unsure if I should tell Joey. The cyst could be malignant but it could also be benign, and until I was 100% certain of its nature I didn’t know if I should burden my husband.

As soon as I got in the car and he asked me how my checkup went though, my frailty decided for me. I caved, cried as I told him, and I felt his hand on mine tighten and grow clammy. I don’t think we said much on the ride home.

My mom died of bile duct cancer just last year. The trauma and scare of cancer is still quite fresh in my mind.. I watched as she grew weaker and bone-thin, saw her torment and suffering, welcomed the painful release of death with her. Cancer ran in our family, maybe it even frolicked in glee, and I knew there was a big chance I might have it too someday. I just never expected to be confronted with its possibility now, at my 36 years. 

Joey and I both put Lilibubs to sleep that night. As usual, the little one requested me to sing lullabies and nursery rhymes, and as I sang quiet tears escaped my eyes. The C word hung heavily on me, turning a routine event into something really, truly precious - I suppose the deepest parts of my heart wondered if my nights being able to sing lullabies to my little one were numbered.

…..

We invited our Dgroup leaders and one of our closest couple friends over for dinner that night. With them I openly shared my fears, worries, thoughts and tears.. Carlo, himself a cancer survivor, was confident that the cyst was benign, that it is very early for us to consider otherwise and that our worries, as a consequence, were premature. He strongly encouraged us to trust and take heart in the Lord and even shared some of the worship songs that helped him get through his cancer journey.

He was right, but we didn’t know that then. The cloud of fear and worry hung over me for about two days, on Joey perhaps longer, but I know I felt a lot better and stronger after I cried it out on that fateful checkup day. Whether it was cancer or not, I felt brave enough to say, “Laban!”.

…..

Jesus’ words helped me gain a steady foothold in the days and weeks that passed of not knowing. He reminded me of who He is, of what He can do, and above all, of the peace that He alone can give no matter what situation we may be in. His reassurances came to me at random times from random sources. I know I could not have faced this trial apart from Him. 

From the book I was reading, Charles Swindoll’s Jesus: Great Lives Series, He asked me, “Why do you have such little faith?”. Mr. Swindoll was discussing Matthew 8:23-27, that famous story of Jesus calming the storm, and as I read His words it truly felt as if He were speaking to me and asking why it was that I doubted Him. Napaisip ako e. Oo nga naman, why did I have such little faith in Him?

Coincidentally, that was also the topic of our dgroup that time. I remember Carlo reminding us in our group chat: “Remember who’s in the storm with you.”

One time after I stepped out of the shower, I remembered Jesus saying, “Take up your cross and follow Me”. I reflected a bit while standing on our bathroom rug, not the holiest of places to make a quiet resolution but that’s what I did and thought then: “Yes, Lord. Sabi Niyo yan e, so that’s what I’ll do. I will take up this cross and I will follow You.”

From my morning devotional, John 14:27, which I now maintain as my screensaver (for the first time, napalitan picture ni Lilibubs haha): “I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift that the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.”

That’s what the Lord indeed gave me, the grace to calmly surrender to His will, the peaceful comfort of knowing He can calm my storm. I was no longer afraid. My life and my baby’s life are in His hands. It’s funny too how I found comfort in my own song, “Tahan”, particularly in the first line of the song: “Sabi Niya, wag mag-alala dahil hawak ka Niya”.

He holds me, and because He holds me, I could face the uncertainties of tomorrow, even if it could mean having a dreadful disease. 

When we sought the opinion of Dra. Germar, a gyne-oncologist, I surprised both Joey and myself when I shrugged the checkup off with a dismissive “Wala yan”. I remember Joey being taken aback and saying, “Mas matapang ka pa sa akin ah.” As I mentioned, nagulat din ako e. That quiet bolster of confidence could only have come from the Lord.

…..

Days, weeks, and checkups passed. At my first checkups I would really wish I wasn’t alone, and I hated this pandemic that is the cause of all this aloneness, but that was another lesson God taught me, that I wasn’t. I’ve been so used to being physically around people, particularly my husband, that I forgot that God always walks with me too. I am not alone.

Dra. Manalo continued to monitor both fetus and cyst - they were both growing, unfortunately, the abnormalities and papillary projections that make it suspicious still there. Dra said we had no choice but to take the cyst out once I reached 12 weeks. We had two options: I could have my whole left ovary taken out (where the cyst is) via laparoscopy (this was the fastest and safest for baby since I wouldn’t be under anesthesia for long), or we could go for the longer procedure of removing just the cyst but there was no telling how long the cut would be nor how long I’ll be under anesthesia. 

First reaction? I didn’t know it was actually possible to undergo surgery while pregnant. Google said of course yes, for emergency or life-threatening situations, and I clearly fall under the latter category. And while I was no longer scared that I might have cancer, I started to develop a new fear: that of post-surgery PAIN. I remembered how painful post-CS was the first time around, and to go through that WHILE pregnant, without stronger painkillers, man, I really, truly, wasn’t looking forward. 

But of course we had to do what had to be done.

On my 10th week, I underwent another transvaginal ultrasound but this time under Dr. Comia as per Dra. Germar’s advise. I remember him asking about my medical history; I said I had PCOS, APAS, and now I had this big ovarian cyst. It is what it is. At the end of the procedure, Dr. Comia said that either I had a dermoid cyst pretending to be malignant or it really was a malignant cyst. Either way, it had to be taken out soon. Same assessment as Dra. Manalo. Dra. Germar, recommending based on Dr. Comia’s report, concurred. Armed with these respected doctors’ advise, Joey and I decided to go for it, to set the date. 

On April 11, the Sunday after Easter, after securing negative RT-PCR tests, settling in the hospital, doing the necessary blood work and fasting the required number of hours the day before, I underwent a nearly two-hour open surgery while 13 weeks pregnant to remove a 10cm cyst from my left ovary. By God’s grace, mercy and healing, it was a dermoid cyst: BENIGN. 

Thank You, Lord, thank You.

“Let all that I am praise the Lord;

with my whole heart, I will praise His holy name.

Let all that I am praise the Lord;

may I never forget the good things He does for me.

He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases.

He redeems me from death and crowns me with love and tender mercies.

He fills my life with good things.

My youth is renewed like the eagle’s!”

Psalm 103:1-5 NLT