I took a break from accepting work last month. May was just really crazy schedule-wise; there were a lot of out-of-town trips and late night gigs that left me exhausted yet musically happy, sometimes grouchy yet monetarily richer. Please don’t get me wrong; I am very grateful for all of the opportunities that the Lord has showered my way. But since becoming a mom, I have always, always struggled with that conflict of constantly wanting to be with my kids while maintaining my sense of self and making a living.

Another concern, at the back of my mind all the time, are the songs that I wish to write and the new melodies I wish I could devote more time to and space for. The balance to arrive at this has always been hard; what I’ve figured out for sure is, I need time by myself to hear myself. To be honest, when you’re a wife and a mom, it is very hard to (willingly) fight for this sacred space. And when you are very rusty (I think the last time I completed a song was Tahan back in 2020), it is even harder to believe that it is worth giving up time with my kids or husband for.

Yes, while writing that last sentence, I could hear my self advocating for itself for more time and space to just be. It just seems so selfish to want to have that when there’s so much happening with the kids, with the husband, with the household.. Still, I recognize that me/artist time is also important.. I hope that this post is a turning point.

And so last month I hugely dedicated time and energy to my family, save for four engagements I had to honor. We went on two out-of-town trips that was just the four of us, and I personally attended to my kids’ needs and concerns just as I desired. I really loved it, all that time with them, even as my husband Joey and I navigated their tantrums and fights (a huge part of raising kids!). But of course, I was also exhausted, and while with my children I could easily disperse any negative thought and will myself to be cheerful, when by myself or with other adults, I couldn’t blow the gray cloud away.

It hung about me, an almost physical deadweight. My only reprieve was in God’s word, when I realized what He wanted me to learn about rest as He intentioned it. That was the only time I felt myself freed and truly at rest.

Hebrews 4:9-11

9 There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God;

10 for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from their works, just as God did from his.

11 Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will perish by following their example of disobedience.

In our Bible study here at home, we learned that not only is rest essential for our physical restoration, it is also a command from God that the Lord Himself modeled. All the while, I thought that all I needed to do to rest was to simply take time off from work. It seemed basic enough in my mind, being the black-and-white person that I am. And yet as the weeks progressed, I still found myself downright tired. Joey even rightfully verbalized it when he said I looked very exhausted considering that I was just at home.

Maybe it was all that time with the kids. Maybe I’m just really not used to not working, to not going out of the house to make music or to be with other people. Maybe it’s because I still barely have time just for myself. Maybe a part of it is getting old and therefore, recovering a lot slower than I used to. Perhaps it was all the traveling I did both for work and with the family. Maybe it’s all of these.. but I also realized that, more tiring than the physical exertions and external stimulations are the incessant mumblings in my mind, which are usually a jumble of things to do coupled with questions of “what happens next?”, colored by undertones of self-doubt and the constant hankering of wanting to do and be more yet finding myself just plain incapable, consequently evaluating my efforts and judging myself as lacking.

I got tired just writing all of that.

But in other words, or to be apt, in one word: WORRYING.

Matthew 6:25-27

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?

26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

Yes, I did allow my body a break from all the late nights and work-related travel. But it turns out that isn’t enough, that to enter God’s rest is not just to physically refrain from working, it is also to fully surrender and submit ALL worries and doubts unto Him, the One Mighty Being capable of carrying it all. That was what I wasn’t doing. I wasn’t giving my all, especially my future, to God. And when I realized my mistake, corrected it by laying it all down at my Shepherd’s feet, trusting Him to take care of me and my family, that was the time I felt the sweetest release.

Psalm 4:8

In peace I will lie down and sleep,
    for you alone, Lord,
    make me dwell in safety.

I heard somewhere that sometimes, the most productive and spiritual thing we can do is to rest; that rest in itself is also worship. A little self-love this way can go a long way in our work for our family and the Lord.. and that was what I learned last month. To take my naps and sleep early, even if it meant sacrificing time I could have spent either with my kids or leading our Bible study. To start everyday surrendering everything to the Lord, to commit everything to Him. Not to get lost in my maze of thoughts but to capture every single one and make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). It is to accept anew that I am not solely in charge of my life, the Lord is! And it is remembering His faithful love and provision in the past, drawing confidence from His unchanging nature, and putting all my trust unto Him and in His love and plans for me. 

And once I have recovered, laban ulit!

Oh dear Lord, I pray that I will not forget this lesson you have taught me. Thank you for always correcting my heart.

Thank you for reading! I hope my little realization helped you too. May God bless you in all ways, always.

Bossa love,

Sitti