Crash, Burn, Tear

It has been six days since my bicycle accident. I’ve just finished applying antibacterial ointment on my wounds and am now airing them out. My left leg and feet swollen, it has become a lot harder and tiring to move.. but I’m keeping my eyes on the finish line when I get completely healed and recover full strength, mobility and flexibility of my left arm and legs. Until then, I know I have to tough it up and be diligent in wound care. 

I still can’t believe last Sunday happened. I thought this pandemic was all the surprise I was going to get this year but oh no, I forgot how life can really get - 

Sometimes messy and quite challenging, with highs and lows but always, always directional.

Always forward no matter how unexpected some of the roads we have to take may be.

I woke up to Lilibubs’ cries that day. At 5am I got up, went to her room, appeased her, went outside to a still dark night and together we looked up at some still-twinkling stars. After we’ve had our fill, we went back inside our house and read some books together. I knew Joey and our friends Raoul and Caloy were planning on riding to BGC, but I was half-hearted about it. I told Joey that I’d nap for a bit and maybe when I woke up - maybe - I’d join them.

Well, he woke me up and I decided to join them. I thought it would be better to ride than to stay home - plus, it was an opportunity to be with Joey, so yeah, why not? It was a beautiful Sunday morning; the ride would do my soul good.

I’ve always loved movement especially outdoors - running, hiking, scuba diving - you name it, I’ve done it and I’ll do it over and over again (well, except for skydiving - never tried and most probably never would). Cycling was another breather for my soul. I actually also bike to deliver the chorizo we sell and I always look forward to it even if I deliver at noon when the sun is the hottest. It has become one of the ways I get my me-time.. Plus, being married to a guy who runs a bike shop, I have access to the best bikes and accessories. And in this pandemic season, it is through cycling that I can safely see the outside world again as it is an allowed recreation that subscribes to social distancing requirements.

We cycled to Burgos Circle to meet up with Elmer, Joey and Raoul’s friend and fellow triathlete. The ride to BGC was pleasantly easy - my last ride there was a lot more frenetic - I remember feeling a different kind of high after we crossed a busy intersection, like I’ve achieved something great, a higher level unlocked, hehe. Last Sunday’s ride was a lot more relaxed - there were very few cars and motorists. I crossed intersections easy peasy and I thought more than once that I was glad I joined them.

When Raoul said that we were going to ride to Makati via the BGC-Buendia flyover, I felt a little excitement. It will be both Joey’s and my first time to bike in a flyover and also to/in Makati. On the flyover, I was very careful. Again there were very few cyclists / motorists / cars so it made for a pleasant ride, especially when we were already midway and could see the tops of houses and billboards seemed within reach. Again, I thought to myself, this is nice.

But then my bike slipped on the rubbery part on the left side of the flyover near Buendia, at that area when the flyover’s just about to end and is tipping downslope. I lost control, fell off the bike and skidded on that merciless road for about three meters, shouting in shock. It all happened so fast.. and it ended with my helmet softly bumping against the concrete barrier, heart hammering as I took stock of my body. I tried not to move, felt pain in my left side but I knew right away that nothing was broken, that I just suffered nasty, superficial wounds that Joey warned me not to look at. But still, I cried hard - probably from shock but also because some part of me felt like I attracted this accident.

I said sorry over and over - to Joey, to the Lord. 

You see, I’ve been feeling really, really down lately. I’ve been having a hard time being grateful every day, and I gave myself a hard time for being unable to do so. I didn’t like me at all the past few days.. and so, when the accident happened, it seemed to me that God was teaching me anew, through this experience, to be grateful for the little things. To be grateful for simply being alive.

Wounds on my palms six days after the incident.. probably the closest I would ever get to Jesus’ wounds.

As the first responders came and took pictures and asked questions, I alternated between crying and shushing myself. Joey took care of everything. Resting my back on the concrete barrier and trying not to move my left elbow and knee where I felt the most pain, I saw a piece of rusted wire a few inches from my left hand and thanked God that it didn’t enter my body. That led to me wonder if anything actually entered my body when I skidded on the pavement, but I tried not to think about it and focused on breathing through the pain and the seemingly long wait.

Thank God for our friends. Elmer cycled back to BGC, got his car and brought us to St. Luke’s. Caloy went to the nearest 7-11, bought Joey and me medical grade masks and waited for us at the hospital entrance. Raoul stayed and waited till we were secure in Elmer’s car. There were a lot of other cyclists and motorcycle riders who offered to help, as well as cops and barangay officials who offered to call an ambulance. We are very, very grateful for everyone’s help.

At St. Luke’s, first triage was outside the hospital where they screen for Covid in patients. I just had a negative swab test two days’ prior, had no fever, cough nor difficulty in breathing, so they wheeled me into the makeshift ER where they handle non-Covid patients. The nurse who greeted me made small talk - turns out he was a biker too. One good thing about my accident, it opened me up to a whole new community of fellow comrades in cycling. Some, like the hospital security guard who suffered similar wounds, and others like the nurse whom I pray will never suffer the same accident.

One of the ER nurses promptly cleaned my wounds and administered a pain killer intravenously. The resident doctor scheduled me for a full body X-ray, a head CT scan and an abdominal ultrasound. It was standard procedure to check if anything got broken, and as I sat there and waited, again alternately crying and shushing myself, I remembered my mom.

I miss you always, Mama.

I remembered how she would always say sorry every single time we had to bring her to the hospital, even if some of those times were matters of life and death. I remembered how apologetic she would always get, how Joey and I would always shush and tell her to just focus on getting well. I don’t know if I was mirroring my mom’s emotions, but last Sunday in that quiet, makeshift ER with my stinging wounds in bandages, I felt so sorry to Joey - and ashamed, too - that I caused us to be in the hospital, that because of me Joey would have to spend money.

I remembered, I felt.. and for probably the first time, I understood where my mom was coming from.

It was my first time to undergo a CT scan. They explained the procedure to me, and as they helped me get into that narrow bed I remembered Mama again. I remember her saying how much she hated having a CT scan and getting into that narrow bed, how cold it was, how isolating. Back then, because she had cancer, we were all for whatever procedures she needed to get done. We, I, would often tell her, “Tiisin mo Ma, pls, kasi kailangan. Tiisin mo para sa akin.”.

Napakarami niyang tiniis para sa akin.. :’(

Again, I understood her last Sunday, having gone through the same. And I wish I was more compassionate with her, more understanding, rather than being somewhat robotic in how I dealt with all the medical stuff. I cried again, quietly.. in my heart, I was saying sorry to her over and over for all the pain she had to go through..

Joey thought I was crying because of the physical pain. What he didn’t know then was that I was crying for many things - for the state of my ungrateful heart and the reminiscences of all the pain that my mom went through. Eight months after her death, there I was with my wounds and shock over the morning’s accident - still grieving her departure. I suppose there will be many more unexpected instances in my life that will open up grief.. I’ve heard that you never get over the loss of a parent; that you will just learn how to live with the pain.

I cried on and off during the full body X-ray, still thinking of my mother. By the abdomen ultrasound I was feeling much better, having had 3 Oreo cookies and a chicken pesto alfalfa sandwich. Joey, his usual optimistic and steady self, kept on saying how proud he was that I got through my first bike accident. He kept saying I was strong, kept calling me “The warrior is the wife”, kept telling me na “okay ‘to, learning ‘to”. My man, you can’t help but be lifted by his spirit. The pandemic has taught me how lucky I am that he is my husband. This accident has reinforced that. And in the succeeding days of changing wound dressings and giving of baths, I am a very, very, very lucky girl indeed. I call him Nurse Joey, and without his help during this time (also during my post-CS recovery) I would be totally helpless. Just by his being and existing, my life has truly, significantly, gotten a lot, lot better. <3

Joey also stepped in and helped me with my home online streaming setup. I have been stressing about it for weeks.. he helped me. I’m so lucky <3

Minutes later, the results were out. Thank God nothing was broken! It was as I felt seconds after I crashed, I had only suffered “superficial” wounds and there were no fractures. The X-ray revealed though that there were three small stones by my left elbow. As we waited for the surgeon to take them out, I remember praying that these stones be the only ones that would ever have to be retrieved from my body. 

The two stones popped out easily with continuous dousing of saline solution, but for the third one, the doctor had to inject me with anesthesia so she could feel around my elbow for the stone. When she successfully found and retrieved it, she said, “Eto siya nabalot ng taba”. To which I dramatically said, “Doc, wag mo sabihing may taba ako!” Hahaha! Having cried a lot already, humour was the next weapon in my coping arsenal.

Another doctor was called to check the wound on my knee. They wanted to be sure it hadn’t reached the bone, so they performed a really painful procedure for that with no anesthesia! I broke the quiet of the ER with my shouting, hehe. At one point, the doctor said, “may mararamdaman kang pressure” to which I shouted, “DOC, I CAN FEEL THE PRESSURE RIGHT NOW, AAAH” then I was singing whatever just to cope with the pain. The doctor, who was also a biker, said, “Ma’am, wag niyo ako patawanin”. HAHAHA! Even Joey was laughing at me. Thank God for humor, but even more, thank God that my laceration didn’t reach the bone. If it had, I would have been immediately scheduled for a knee surgery.

Smiling under my mask after all the three stones were taken out of my arm.

Had another Xray done for my left arm just to be sure that all stones were extracted. Then we were given the all-clear and Joey headed to the cashier to pay. Turns out his company got me a Maxicare card so yay, we didn’t pay anything! Thank You, Lord! Tito Raemond picked us up. He was teary-eyed and silent but I knew we were thinking the same thing - thank God eto lang nangyari. It really could have been worse.

Left the hospital in just my sports bra and bike shorts, hehe.

We got home to the little one, showered first before approaching her, and talked to her about my injuries. Amazing how she understood. She warily eyed my bandages and took care not to be in my left side. There were even times she wouldn’t touch me at all for fear of hurting me. Now, we include her in the wound-caring activities and I actually show her my wounds so she wouldn’t fear them. She’s extra gentle with me and doesn’t demand that I run with her. Ang galing. I am amazed by her comprehension.

Thank You, Lord Jesus for your protection. I know that in time I will be okay. Thank you for setting my heart right again.. I know that You work all things for the good of those who love You, and I know that You have my best interests at heart. Thank you in advance for all the learnings. I know that I will only get better and stronger after this, hopefully, wiser, too. Thank you for teaching me to be grateful once again, for the little things, for being alive.

Our household is safe, healthy, and together. Clearly, no greater blessing at this time.

Thank You, God.

Thank you for reading. Please stay safe and take care. May God bless us with every spiritual and physical grace that we need to stay strong this season.

Bossa love,

Sitti