The Highs and Lows of My March to May (ECQ Learnings and Realizations)

I had Lilibubs put on her mask for the photo. She doesn’t really wear masks because she’s mostly at home. But how strange it was, to live and see other people all in masks.

Like you, I never imagined that we will ever live through a time like this. It’s just beyond crazy.. to be cut off from the rest of humanity in the snap of a finger; livelihoods, relationships, affectionate gestures, and plans for the future, put on hold just like that -

Yet here we are.

And by the looks of it, this current situation of very limited movement will most likely continue until a vaccine for Covid-19 is made.

Here in Metro Manila, we have been put on Enhanced Community Quarantine (ECQ) for nearly two months. (It means no going out of the house except for purchasing essentials like food and medicine.) In that time, I have gone through many highs and lows before I eventually plateaued to wholehearted acceptance of this “new normal”, and I have realised some things that I hope to keep and remain true to for the rest of my earthly life.

How about you? How has your ECQ experience been?

In the beginning, I didn’t think I would be that life-alteringly affected by the enforced house quarantine. Ever since I gave birth to and consequently breastfed Lilibubs, I’ve almost always just been at home, leaving the house only when I have work and occasionally going out to enjoy meals with friends. My husband Joey and I really don’t leave our area that much anymore given that it’s so traffic outside, although I live for my runs/walks around the village and park time with Lilibubs. But other than that, we barely go to the mall; we head out only for groceries and/or other necessities.

So initially, I thought it wouldn’t be that bad.

Wrong.

Some villages in the metro are not as strict as ours. People are still allowed to exercise provided that they observe proper social distancing and wear masks. Oh, how I envy those residents! I suppose what I miss the most is having the freedom to just go outside and walk and get some fresh air. Now I just look longingly outside our windows, counting down the days until we can freely walk the streets we’ve strolled on hundreds of times before.

Definitely a low that I am still struggling with. (I’ve heard though that come Saturday May 16, we’ll be allowed to jog/walk outside already. Hurray!)

The first two weeks of the ECQ were the worst for me. I was glued to my phone, endlessly scrolling through news articles, incessantly thinking of how I could help to assuage the guilt/helplessness I felt from just being at home, worrying about other people especially those who were of the “no work, no pay” segment of society, always on the lookout for what the government’s next moves would be, getting constantly heartbroken over news of doctors dying and nurses getting infected.. 

It all felt too much.

I was so wired those first few days.. and when I was anonymously bashed by a Facebook “friend” following an admittedly “too general” post (I made an appeal to set aside bickering and complaining and to just help), it was a splash of cold water to my face, a wake-up call. It also led to a throbbing headache, body malaise, diarrhea, and to losing three pounds overnight (which I have long since gained back from stress-eating, hehe).

It was a blessing in disguise. 

It led to a better scrutiny of how I used social media, of who I let influence my thinking. For whether we are aware of it or not, we all influence and are influenced by other people’s thoughts, words, and actions even at the most infinitesimal levels. Whose words and ideologies do you let in to your brain space? 

Needless to say, for my own sanity, I unfollowed a lot of people during this time. When that didn’t feel like it was enough, I stayed away from Facebook and from checking the news altogether. I deactivated my Twitter account because it caused me to stumble more than the gains of getting news firsthand and real-time.

I’ve realised the need to filter more than ever. For those seemingly tiny yet powerfully suggestive words creep into my thoughts, incubate there, find their way into my state of being, and are ultimately passed on to the two most important people in my life - Joey and Lilibubs. If I wanted to maintain a healthy and happy family life, it is vital that I take care of my mental well-being first.

Lilibubs and I on March 15, the first day of the quarantine, channeling beach feels.

Call it toxic positivity or whatever you wish, I call it protecting my mental health because unlike other people, I can only take so much at this point..

And so I logged off, maintaining only my public Facebook page and Instagram to still be able to share my music and chronicle Lilibubs’ antics. It felt good to not always be on my phone and on alert for the news, and I realised that this was probably God’s way of calling me back to Him, of getting my attention away from the goings-on that were outside my control and to re-prioritize time with Him once again..

One of the bible verses and promises I have clung to this season..

His words, oh how they have been my lifeline this ECQ! I look forward to them every morning like a weary traveller who has not had a drop to drink for days, going through hills and valleys and making it to a well just in time.. oh how the Lord’s grace has sustained me and given me peace in this time of uncertainty. Without my hope in Him, that He is moving and working, that He has a plan for each and everyone of us and that He will take care of our needs just as He takes care of the sparrows, I really don’t know. I probably would’ve succumbed to depression. That is how weak I am.

Zoom meetings with our two bible study groups have been so helpful as well. It is so important to have a safe space, a group of friends you can laugh silly with, cry with, share your thoughts with uninhibitedly because you know you will not be judged. And those prayers that close every session.. man, my downhearted soul would just lap it all up, all those sources of hope and encouragement.

I was forced to reflect on what are really essential. And those for me are my relationship with God, family, and self. All present and future decisions must be for the good of those three; time with those three must always be protected and nourished.

I re-learned to trust in the Lord completely once again, not just for myself and our family but for the needs of others as well. Everyday, I choose to believe in His goodness and in His justice, to re-submit to His will and time.

I learned to be at peace with what I can and can’t do, to be content with whatever amount or effort we can donate to relief efforts even if we wanted to give more. I learned to let go of what I don’t have direct control over; I re-learned to pray..

And I realised once again just how important music is to me.. prior to ECQ, I admittedly have not been that active in promoting myself or my singing online. But with Covid-19 happening and most of us cooped up in our homes while others are valiantly battling it out in the frontlines, I thought that maybe I could go online and offer my singing for others to while away the time. Sitti Sala Session was born. To date, I’ve probably sung to whoever wanted to watch/listen about eleven times already, broadcasting from our living room with both minimal makeup and setup. This was the closest I’ve ever felt to my fans online.. I am sincerely hoping that my Sala Sessions have somewhat helped ease their ECQ blues, just as singing for them has been so therapeutic for me.

My very first Sala Session last March 19.

Music will always be a sanctuary.

I also realized the steps I need to take and commit to for my career. Now that gigs and events are cancelled and no one knows when they will all be allowed again, online performances are the current way to go. I must beef up my online presence if I want to survive in this game.. even if I don’t earn anything from it, I must find ways for my music to continue to be heard..

I got to write a song again. After three years of nothing, words and music finally made their sweet reappearance. Oh, I was so thankful and happy. I hope to release that song very, very soon. (Shared a snippet of it on IG.)

One of the greater blessings of this ECQ has been the increased intimacy with my husband. I am so much closer to him now than I was before, and I really take much comfort in that, in him. Every night I tell him how grateful I am that he is the one God chose for me, for he has expertly dealt with all my intensely erratic mood swings and have borne it all with his characteristic light humor. I am more involved in the family business now too, helping out in packing @iam.boundless orders. I don’t know, it just feels good to help, to have a purpose at this time even if it’s just packing shoes.

And finally, thankfully, I found the balance I’ve been yearning for ever since I gave birth. You see, and perhaps other first-time-moms can relate, I’ve always felt that I was letting something/someone important down in my day-to-day, like I wasn’t spending enough time with Joey or talking to God or I wasn’t prioritising my artistry enough. Have you noticed that there is no mention of not enough time spent with Lilibubs? Haha yes, it’s mostly because she HAD taken up so much of my time ever since her very first cry. I am not complaining though, it’s just that I wish I had a better grasp on time management so that my soul wouldn’t nag me on the relationships it thinks I should be investing more on.

Lilibubs at 18 months last May 4. To always be at home and with her is a joy. If we didn’t have her antics to keep us occupied and entertained, we all probably have gone crazy already, hehe!

I finally got my formula. It took this quarantine to ultimately figure a good schedule out. I am finally satisfied with how I spend my day-to-day with God, Joey, Lilibubs, and myself. 

Please don’t get me wrong, I don’t have it all figured out. To be honest, I am far, still so far from that. I have good days and bad days, and days in between when I feel blah and useless. But I am reminded to just continue moving, to continue hoping that better days are up ahead. A cure will be discovered, or the virus will just mysteriously disappear. We will no longer be in danger of contracting Covid-19, our medical frontliners will be able to hug their children, and we will all be able to see our extended families again. People will be able to go back to work or find new employment, with our hygiene practices stricter for the good of all.

Let us all wait in hope, and trust that God is greater than our highs and lows.

Until then, we keep on praying, strengthening our faith, and clinging on to hope.

Thank you for reading! May God bless you and keep you and your families and loved ones safe and healthy, and may He provide for your every spiritual and physical need at this trying time. Please take care.

Bossa love,

Sitti

Journaling - how I spend time with myself. Everyday I fill up a page on my notebook with unedited thoughts, whatever comes to mind. It has helped me a lot to process this crisis, and has helped unblock my creativity. It was after a freehand journaling session that I was able to write a song again.